wish this was vertigo

For lunch today, I have black raspberry jelly on rosemary and olive oil bread. If that combination doesn’t just about sum up my life lately, I don’t know what does.

It’s July fifth. I’ve been home for almost two months now, but I still feel like I’m piecing each day together and not having very many clues about what I’m supposed to be doing. I am comfortable and safe in my family home but there are moments when I feel like I don’t belong or fit in here anymore. I stand in the sanctuary after church and stare at my church family, not having anything to talk about with them but simply wanting to soak in their smiles and laughs and the way their voices crack as we sing hymns. I don’t get to see my best friends hardly at all; work and limited funds make outings hard during the summer.

A boy I had a crush on for my entire childhood got engaged on Sunday. This event makes me feel old and young at the same time, as I roll my eyes and thank God he ended up with her and not me. My twelve-year old self is heartbroken, but the present me is very thankful he never took much notice of me back then.

I miss a lot of people these days. It isn’t easy to fill holes left by the markers in your life, especially when you don’t even want to bother them with a text in their new lives. They deserve the chance to make a new life for themselves, even while I’m here wanting to cry every time I think about them.

God and I could be better. Well, I could be better. I am freaking out about being an RA who doesn’t spend an hour a day meditating on His Word and doesn’t have a solid church to attend in Ohio and oftentimes would rather complain about my troubles than lift up those around me in prayer. I feel inadequate as a Christian, even after many sobs in the car to my Lord and a building appreciation for Proverbs. I don’t want to be piecing my faith together each day……..but is that how it’s supposed to be? Is this what sanctification looks like for me right now? Is it enough to God that I am stumbling through a wasteland without any clear direction in mind?

I’ll eat my pieced together lunch and pray it is.

One thought on “wish this was vertigo

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