arms of relief

I leave for Ohio in four days and I don’t want to go.

Okay, so that’s incredibly false. I cannot wait to be back in the community of cornfields where my classes are fascinating, my friends are amazing, and I am in charge of myself every hour of the day. I love my life in Ohio.

But this year is going to be different from the last two. This year, I am going to be an RA. This year, I will have responsibilities beyond homework and eating well and calling home once a week. This year, people are going to be watching me closely and holding me to a high standard.

And you know what? I am terrified.

I held back sobs in church today as that immense realization hit me. As my pastor asked us to bow our heads and silently confess our sins, God ripped from my heart words I’ve held to tightly all summer: I’m not perfect.

I’m okay with being broken in front of my friends. I’m all right with my family knowing how very flawed I am. But being a leader who makes mistakes for everyone to see? I hate that thought.

In a span of thirty seconds, with my head still bowed, I mentally compared myself to the girls I will work with this year, the leaders I have known in the past, and those who will be in authority over me. They are all strong and inspiring and so open about their flaws and shortcomings and they seem to set aside their pride so easily.

I know how to hide behind a smiling wall and only confess aloud the flaws I am comfortable with sharing. I want people to think I’m okay. I want my pride to be boosted by the girls on my hall believing I am perfect.

Before lifting my head as the service continued, I asked God to break my pride and desire to be perfect. I came home and read a post I once wrote on weakness. I don’t know how to get back to that place of resting in God’s strength through my weaknesses.

I leave for Ohio in four days, and I’ve only just begun the process of asking God to humble my spirit. Oh, I pray this is going to be a very different year.

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