ask you who you know

The weather was confusing today; warm and cloudy and windy and not what I think October should feel like. Then again, that is the theme of this junior year.

I full-on sobbed today in chapel, as the woman on stage spoke about the three pregnancies that ended before those babies ever took a breath on this earth. Joy bounded from her heart even as her voice cracked and I was amazed she could go on in front of us all. My tears were warmer than usual as she read verse after verse that helped her find joy and peace in unimaginable circumstances.

Okay, so not unimaginable for me. I have known and loved women in my church who have lost babies. No matter the circumstances or how early on they were it always hurts.

My tears, though, were for my own parents and the daughter they almost had. The sister I almost had. The girl I think of during my loneliest moments. The person I am sure will be the first to hug me when I reach Heaven.

I have talked to my mom many times over the years about the pain she felt and the pain she still feels every November 4th, the day that should have been my sister’s birthday. She has always said she feels an emptiness about our family, like there is always someone missing.

I’ve struggled with the knowledge that I have a sister for about eight years now. It has gotten easier to bear since the first time my mom told me about her but the pain still comes sharply. I occasionally still question why God didn’t allow my sister to live when He knows the ache I have for a best friend by blood. In those moments of doubt I have to remind myself that He is good and His goodness is above my own understanding and my own feeble heart that is always crying out for something.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully be at peace with my sister’s death while I’m on this side of Heaven, but I do know the One who took her life had a beautiful and holy reason for doing so. He has brought me to Himself and I will continue to trust Him. One day I will get to hug my sister and know her face and love her perfectly in the presence of love Himself. On that day, I will not remember the pain and aching from this life. That day will be glorious.

Ah, what a day that will be.

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