more than tangible

This year, I have gotten a lot better at doing things by myself.

I still like to drive solo, I enjoy meals with just me and a book, and I often study at one-person tables. I try to keep Thursday nights in my room as just me and God talking. I like the independence of walking into town without telling anyone. It’s good to do things on my own.

I like to hold my head high and tell people I am chill with living alone once I graduate. My mind romanticizes a tiny apartment with just me and my vast collection of mugs and many shelves of the books I love best. Coming home and curling up with some tea to think about my day sounds enjoyable and almost easy.

But who am I kidding? I’m terrified to be alone in the future.

This isn’t a post on singleness. This is a post on my fear that I might one day live without people who know and love me nearby. This is about the slightly awful possibility that I will end up in a useless job and attend a large church where I fade into the background and that I come back each night to an apartment with dark corners that even twinkly lights cannot make homey.

Two of my best friends constantly tell me that I can’t live alone and that I need people…..but what if I’m left being the odd one out as they all make plans and move to cities and countries with each other?

My pride is able to distract me into thinking I can live my life alone, but I don’t think that’s the case.

I need people, and that’s the most terrifying thing.

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