empty & dressed up finery

(bits from my daytime journal because some words only come on paper with a pencil)

Owen is sixteen and that means I’m twenty-one and I can’t handle how old we lot have become // That moment when you realize you would probably fall in love with ol’ George Bailey // Giving up on or waiting for your dreams isn’t always the most awful thing, I guess. New dreams and chances can always pop up and besides, God does enjoy surprising us with happenings and people // I say again, I will never marry a man with a temper. I understand that a man I love would still make mistakes and act stupid and drive me crazy at times but he would not be prone to outbursts // 12.19.16

I have been soaking up the beauty and words from Bread & Wine. Shauna talking about her love of food and the nourishing of loved ones hits my heart and really helps to explain the achy feeling I get when I think about having a kitchen of my own and inviting people into it with love. The achy is about the simple food that I will learn to make and the music that will be in the background as I cook and the people who will watch and help me and then sit with me as we fellowship and nourish ourselves. I want a cozy kitchen and a long table and candles throughout the house and a fridge and pantry full of interesting ingredients. I want an espresso maker for sleepover mornings and a varied tea chest for late talks and sweet wines for all the hours in between. I want to always have on hand cheese for crackers and fresh bread for honey or butter or oil. I want wholesome granola and frozen soup for lazy winter evenings, and farmers’ market goods in the summer. I want the courage to explore new recipes and use scary ingredients and create my own versions of well-known dishes. I don’t need the most fabulous meals or to be known for decadence…..I just want to one day love people through food and my home // These are a lot of thoughts and the exciting thing is that this vision can come true no matter where I live or if I’m married or what sort of job I have. I just need to prioritize what I spend money on and how I spend time with my loved ones // 12.25.16

Carrie Fisher died this morning and I feel so sorry for everyone who loved her. She and George Michael were flaw vessels of aid and support to the world and I will hope against situations that they were convicted of their need for a Savior before they died // 12.27.26

And now Debbie Reynolds is dead. Deaths of celebrities are so removed and yet hit the heart in a certain way. I find it eerie and yet neat that we can watch their movies or listen to their music and still have that piece of them in our lives like we always have. Our interaction with them doesn’t really change. But then I think about the ones who really knew and loved these celebrities and I get sad all over again because the pictures and recordings will just never be enough to fill the void // Maddie is my friend to walk with when I should be going slowly and thinking deeply. Anna matches pace with me in step and word and I vent thoughtfully to her. Meredith lets me ask the odd and strange questions no matter the time of day. Hannah-Grace and I could talk for days about our favorite celebrities and people on campus and the way music twists our souls. Kailee is a gem to hear and affirm the random thoughts that come while we are sitting in my room with twinkly lights. Caroline is my source of wisdom in the hallway and in Chucks. I find myself confessing things to Kassandra and she is my sounding board. Who would I be without these women and their words? // 12.29.16

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