at the pivot point of me

The past three weeks have contained a few closed windows, as the popular saying goes. While I am trying to take it all in stride, can I just say that it feels like those windows have slammed shut on my heart?

I guess I thought that, since my heart was bright and excited about a good thing, it was God’s will for me to have it. I thought that since I could daydream about a specific situation and I smiled while I talked about it I was meant to be in that situation, or  because I said the right sort of surrendering prayers and held my heart out to God He would see fit to give me what I desired.

Oh, windows hurt when they are slammed closed.

It is a testament to the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying work in me that I am not angry with God…….but I am a bit confused and unsure about where to go from here. I wrote and thought and talked so much about one specific closed window that I was sure God wanted me there. My heart was all in and that ended rather painfully.

But then I was walking to work tonight and the air smelled like snow and I was actually smiling at the people I passed and I remembered it isn’t such a bad life after all.

Much like falling in love, I put my heart and desires out there and held my breath, waiting for a response of affirmation. And as sometimes occurs in love, the response turned out to be negative.

But unlike putting myself out there to a fallen human, I put myself out there to the Lord who is holy and good and only allows me to hurt for a purpose.

I don’t know that purpose right now and I’m still nervous to let my heart be excited again. I don’t know what I am doing with my life but God does and I am resting in that fact.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon thee,
As thy beauty fills my soul,
For by thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of thy loving heart.

O how great thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvelous thy goodness
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in thee, Beloved,
Know what wealth of grace is thine,
Know thy certainty of promise
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold thee as thou art,
And thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed.

Ever lift thy face upon me
As I work and wait for thee;
Resting ‘neath thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with thy grace.

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