tighten in my hand

There have been three times in my life when I could visualize myself hugging Jesus and crying into His shoulder.

The first time, I was fourteen and trying to cope with my grandmother’s death. In the weeks after her death I learned what it means to grieve, to wrestle with the concept of life after death. That’s when Jesus became real to me as my Comforter and Friend and I desperately wanted His hug.

The second time was just last year, after my aunt died. I was confused, angry, and depressed, with no ability to communicate how I felt to those around me. I didn’t talk to God a whole lot back then, until I wanted so badly to feel His presence that I (literally) cried out loud to Him in the car and wished He would be my Comforter once again.

Now I’m here, but this time I’m not grieving—-I’m giving thanks for the goodness of my Lord when I so don’t deserve it. Tonight, I am so glad and my heart is so light that all I want to do is hug my Savior and worship Him there in His arms. I want to cry at His feet over my sins of worry and doubt and stay there low and humbled but then leap up and worship Him with my crackly singing and Presbyterian hands that still don’t know how to remain raised during worship but that might bring some gladness to His heart. I want to look Him in the eyes and say, “Jesus, I will trust you perfectly from now on,” and then actually have that be the anthem of my life and to be known as a woman of faith who never doubts her Lord.

I wish I were already on the new Earth so I could accomplish all I wrote above………but I’m still here and He’s still there and the time for a physical Abba hug has not yet come but oh my friends He is so good and I am so not but that latter part doesn’t even matter because He is God and His perfection bleeds over onto my life.

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it’s fallen man’s praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I’m dead and gone
It won’t be further from the truth | 
Relient K, When I Go Down

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