just (and just as) lonely

The past six months or so have seen me doubtful of my abilities in school and work, my worth to the people around me, and whether I even know what it is to love someone. I began to view myself as too much for people to love, that I was lesser and did not deserve affection from those in my life. Satan took advantage of my sudden wonderings and proceeded to tear me down with lies that sounded fair to my little self.

I was in the office alone for a bit yesterday when I thought to myself, “When did I really start to feel unworthy of love?”

After all, my parents have never caused me to doubt their love for me. The true friends in my life remain kind and uplifting. My Lord assures me over and over that I am His. I kept looking back, unable to find the moment in time where the lies began to seep in.

And then I found it: the moment when I was eighteen and someone I had been desperately in love with threw words at me that have hung on for the past three years.

I’m sure you’re thinking how silly it is to have been so hurt by a boy and his words……or maybe you’re looking back on your life and placing a thumbtack on the moment when the person who knew you best and held all your trust decided to not care that your heart was soft and free from lies.

With an angry tone during our last phone call and carelessly punctuated lies during our last message, a boy I had fallen in love with cut deeply into my younger self and changed the course of my thinking (for a while, anyway).

Three years and a month later, the lies are finally being aired out. I am reading Scripture more, especially Isaiah, desperately looking for words to arm my soul. I am still fighting a daily battle to know my worth, both to people and to God, but our Lord is patient with me.

I will continue to write, both here and on paper, and trust that the words printed in my Bible are truer and deeper than those that have rubbed my heart so wrong these past three years.

For the mountains may depart

and the hills be removed,

by my steadfast love shall not depart from you,

and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,

says the Lord, who has compassion on you | Isaiah 54:10

 

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